Catholic Youth 3000
JOKES
 

 

 

 


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It's time to giggle!

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Click on the title of the joke you want to read and we’ll take you there!

Overworked!

Can you see it?

How To Say Grace

Barney

The Mystery Present

Who’s Airsick?

Bud-weis-er

Short But Sweet Collection

Noah’s Problems

Yummy!

Why Parents Go Grey

An Important Lesson To Live By

Getting Old?

Our Favorite Teacher…

Speeding Much?

What’s Wrong with this Tape?

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

What To Cook?

True Tech Support Stories...

Can You Give Me A Push?

I’m really sick…

What’s for lunch?

REVENGE!

Poisonous Snakes?

Are You Really Smart?

Telegram

WHAT IS THE DAY?

The Vet

Fire!

First day?

Dealing with Anger

Little Everyday Things

Chivalry of Today

Sherlock & Watson Take A Vacation...

 

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Overworked!

 

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much 

pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. 

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,

leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for

State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving

1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work, you and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

 

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Can you see it?

 

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

Teacher:  Tommy do you see the tree out side?

Tommy:   Yes.

Teacher:  Tommy, do you see the grass out side?

Tommy:   Yes.

Teacher:  Go out side and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy:   OK.  (He returned a few minutes later)  Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher:  Did you see God?

Tommy:   No.

Teacher:  That's my point.  We can't see God because he isn't there.

The little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions

Little Girl:  Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy:    Yes.

Little girl:  Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy:    Yessssss  (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl:    Did you see the sky?

Tommy:    Yessssss

Little Girl:  Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy:    Yes

Little Girl   Do you see her brain?

Tommy:    No

Little Girl:  Does that mean she doesn't have one?

 

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How To Say Grace

 

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said: 

"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

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Barney

 

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

 Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart.  Barney's on my underpants."

 

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The Mystery Present

 

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift.

She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.  Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is.

A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.

The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring

"I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

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Who’s airsick?

 

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

 

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

 

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.  He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest.

 

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

 

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Bud-weis-er

 

A mother was reading a book about animals to her

3-year-old daughter:

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

Child: “Bud.”

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Short But Sweet

 

Son      : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?

Father : No. Why do you ask that?

Son      : Well, where did you get mummy then?

 

Lady                      : Is this my train?

Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady                      : Don't try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to Kuala 

                              Lumpur.

Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

 

Peter : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red

   spots!

Kirk  : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.

 

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter     : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra

       time.

 

Wife       : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife       : Yes and no.

 

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy            : "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?"

"Sure, " replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

 

'For twenty years my husband and I were very happy'

'What happened then?'

'We met.'

 

Customer    : 'If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Brighton in two days' time?'

Post Master : 'Well it might do.'

Customer    : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not?

Customer    : It's addressed to London.

 

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

 

Girl : Do you love me ?

Boy  : Yes, dear.

Girl : Would you die for me ?

Boy  : No, mine is undying love

 

1st thief : Oh ! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

 

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How ?

Student : Ladies first.

 

Waiter   : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

 

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Noah’s Problems

 

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.  But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." 

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.  In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.  "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.  The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

 

Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?" 

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah.  "I did my best, but there were big problems.  First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes.  I had to hire an engineering firm and re-draw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the  Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard,  so I had to get a variance from  the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.  I finally convinced the U.S.  Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.  So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union.  Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.  They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan.  I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.  I just got a notice from the state  that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft"

Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"  Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully.  "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly.  "I don't have to.  The government already did".

 

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Yummy!

 

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter.

Everything the girl touched would melt.  No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.

One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.  Three young princes took up the challenge. 

The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt.

But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing happened...so he too went away.

The third prince told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel it".

The princess did as told, though turning red.  Yea! It did not melt!!!  The king was overjoyed!!! And, the third prince lived happily with the princess ever after...

 

Question: What was the object?

Think carefully.

Highlight the light blue words below to find the answer.

 

Answer:  M&M's Chocolate - melts in your mouth and not in your hand!

 

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Why Parents Go Grey

 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered,  "Hello?"

         

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster

the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

 "Yes", whispered the small voice.

 "May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

 

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

 "Yes", came the answer.

 "May I talk with her?"  Again the small voice whispered,  "no".

           

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there, watching over the child.

 

"Is there any one there besides you?"  the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman".

         

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,

the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

 

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

         

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

 

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. 

"What is going on there?"  asked the boss, now alarmed. 

 

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

 

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,

"Why are they there"?

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me."

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An Important Lesson To Live By

 

 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

 

 The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

 

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

 

 Moral of the story is:

 To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

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Getting Old?

 

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis.

 

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says.

"When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, “To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'"

 

 "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks.

 

 "Then my body says, “Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!”

 

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Our Favorite Teacher…

 

Four guys were enrolled in an Organic Chemistry class at USC.

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an  "A" for the semester.  These guys were so confident that they decided to go up to Stanford and party with some friends the weekend before finals.

 

After all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to USC until Monday morning.  Since they were late for the final, they decided to make an excuse to the professor so they could take a make-up exam.

 

Later on in the day, they found their professor and explained that they had gone to Stanford for the weekend, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.  As a result, they missed the final.

 

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.  The guys were elated and relieved.  They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.

 

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.  They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about free radical formation.  "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

 

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written:

 

(For 95 points):  Which tire?

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Speeding Much?

 

Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

 

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

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What’s Wrong with this Tape?

 

Judi is a very busy woman who rarely has time to do anything relaxing. 

One weekend she decides to do something relaxing at home, so she sets out to rent a movie, which she hasn’t done in a long time.

She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds informative, yet interesting.

She drives home, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi: I just rented a movie from your store and there’s nothing on the tape but static.

Store Clerk: Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes.

Which title did you rent?

Judi:  It's called The VCR Head Cleaner.

 

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What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

 

 If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

 And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

 And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

 

 If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

 And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,

 And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

 Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

 

 If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

 Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

 But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

 that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

 And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

 So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

 Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

 When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

 And the micro-code instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

 Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

 Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

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What To Cook?

 

 Betty and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.

 

Betty is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all.  Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date.  Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.

 

 This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.  Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

 Bob asks,  "Why don't you just double the recipe?"

 She decides that is a good idea.

 

At four, Bob gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic.

"I just can't do it," wifely weeps.  "It's impossible."

 "Now, now, what's the matter?"

 "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."

 "So, you use FOUR eggs.  Don't you have them?

 "Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

 "Well," Bob  says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

 "It isn't the ingredients," Betty cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

 

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True Tech Support Stories...

 

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." 

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. 

But that's a good point, the man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

 

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. 

That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

 

                             

 

Overheard in a computer shop:

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

 

                            

 

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document

back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

 

                            

 

Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"

 

                             

 

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

 

                            

 

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm

a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe

it was meant to-"

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in

icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of

filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: [click]

 

                            

 

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game.  That's what I said before.  I crashed

my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: [pause] "Wow!  How'd you learn how to do that?"

 

                            

 

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.  It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. 

I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet.  It printed fine. 

I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer. 

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.

I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.

Problem solved.

 

                            

 

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve.  She could not print yellow. 

All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.  For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.  Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. 

I had the customer change ink cartridges.  I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. 

Nothing worked.  I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.  After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

 

                            

 

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse.  She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. 

She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

 

                            

 

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. 

It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."

Customer: "Ooh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

 

                             

 

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

 

                            

 

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon.  He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the clock. 

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. 

He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time!  I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

 

 

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Can You Give Me A Push?

 

A man is asleep in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"Argh! I'm not getting out of bed this time of night!", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

 "Aren't you going to answer that?"  asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.

It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

    "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to 'get lost'?"

"But the guy is drunk" says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

    So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,

"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out

"Yeah, please."

    So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

    And the drunk replies "I'm over here, on your swing."

 

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I’m really sick…

 

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

 

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

 

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

 

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

 

 

 

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What’s for lunch?

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.  They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!  If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!  If get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.  "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."

 

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REVENGE!

 

Cannibals captured a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe.

The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

 

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."  The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

 

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."  The chief gives him a pistol. He points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

 

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."  the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.

 

The chief is appalled, and asks, "my God almighty, what are you doing?"

 

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe!”

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Poisonous Snakes?

 

 Two little snakes were wiggling along the side of the road when the first little snake turned to the second little snake and asked, "Are we poisonous?" "Why?" asked the second little snake, to which the first little snake replied, "Because I just bit my lip!"

 

 

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Are You Really Smart?

 

NUMBER ONE

 

A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a A100.00 bill on his desk.

But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid and the other was the butler.

 

The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk.  But when they looked, the bill was not there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it.  He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it.  He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said.

 

But when they looked, there was no money in the book.  After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money.

 

Who was it, and how did he know?

 

 

NUMBER TWO:

 

I dig out tiny caves, and store gold and silver in them. I also build bridges of silver and make crowns of gold. They are the smallest you could imagine.  Sooner or later everybody needs my help, yet many people are afraid to let me help them. Who am I?

 

 

NUMBER THREE:

 

I have seven letters. The first two stand for a boy.  The first three stand for a girl. The first four stand for a brave boy. But all of my letters stand for a brave girl. What word am I?

 

 

NUMBER FOUR:

 

A beggar's brother died, but the man who died had no

brother. How could this be?

 

DON'T CHEAT........THINK HARDER.........

 

Answers:

 

NUMBER ONE:

The butler did it. Mr. Ellis knew the butler was lying because pages 35 and 36 in a book are always printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.

 

NUMBER TWO:

A Dentist

 

NUMBER THREE:

Heroine

 

NUMBER FOUR:

The beggar was a woman.

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Telegram

 

 A STUDENT WRITES A LETTER VIA TELEGRAM TO HIS DAD.

 IT GOES...”NO FUN, SEND MON, YOUR SON!”

 DAD WRITES BACK SAYING...”SO SAD, TOO BAD, YOUR DAD!”

 

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 WHAT IS THE DAY?

 

 IF YESTERDAY'S TOMORROW WAS SATURDAY, WHAT IS THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW'S YESTERDAY?

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The Vet

 

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

 

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

 

 He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

 "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

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Fire!

 

A blond called the fire department.

She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire."

The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?"

The blond said, "Duh, Red Truck!"

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First day?

 

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

 

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

 

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Dealing with Anger

 

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

 

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

 

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

 

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"

 

 

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Little Everyday Things

 

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. 

Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it

the other day after I said,

"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"

Clear as a bell my body said, "listen up... do it and die."

 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much,

sleeping too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. 

Are they kidding?  That is my idea of a perfect day.

 

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?  

How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

 

 

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Chivalry of Today

 

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.

 Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.

 

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous.  Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

 

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely.  I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

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Sherlock & Watson Take A Vacation...

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. 

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep.

 

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

 "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

 

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke.

"Watson, someone has stolen our tent."

 

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